Learning with Rabbi Dubrawsky

From Sol Pavony

I wrote this piece this morning as I am gradually dealing with the shock of what happened. Sharyn suggested I share this with you and post it on your blog.

Learning with Rabbi Dubrawsky

Standing in the back of the shul on the right side of the bimah I could see the back of Rabbi Dubrawsky in his chair getting ready to daven. The members of the shul liked Rabbi Dubrawsky. He was approachable, easy to talk to. He would listen and respond.

If he had not seen someone for a while, his eyebrows would rise, and he would greet him like a long lost friend. If there was a discussion I had a way of reading his body movements to know what was going on. For instance, if he tilted his head to one side nodding occasionally, that would mean he is listening intently. 

If his hat would move casually back and forth, a little tilt here and there, this translated as a response of - maybe yes and maybe no. 

Sometimes his hat would quiver back and forth, in very rapid movement, for a few seconds. That meant - absolutely not! But he would say it kindly with a smile. 

If, however, something was said that was valid, his hat would nod slowly in the affirmative. If he wanted to add some points, his hat would punctuate each one, as he spoke quietly.

When he squeezed his eyes shut trying to stifle a laugh, he sometimes couldn't control himself and his body would laugh internally. He would nod affirmatively, as if to say that was a good one. 

Rabbi Dubrawsky was my teacher and I was his student. I would sit next to him, engrossed in the text listening to him intensely as he would go over the work before us. Almost all of his sessions stressed depth and sensitivity. What he learned was expressed and animated through his whole body with passion and intensity. But his learning was not only an intellectual endeavor. It was learning how to affect our very essence of being. He lived his learning.

Learning with Rabbi Dubrawsky was like a therapy of the soul. He softened our hardness with his sensitivity. He would repeatedly refer to that notion of refinement, being delicate because these matters of importance that we speak of are delicate. 

Souls are delicate. We must be careful when relating on a soul to soul level, because we are by nature vulnerable, tender and soft. The hardness we feel is a rejection of its reality, as we continue living lives of avoidance and distractions. Our souls become trapped and imprisoned, internally exiled. In the end this hardness inevitably makes us feel empty, disconnected and we search for meaning and truth. 

And so Rabbi Dubrawsky comes to teach. Using a text to study, as a way of focusing our attention perhaps on a discussion from the Rebbe, a maymer, a discourse, he would in a very deep way feed our souls with nourishment, gently with kindness. We would feel revived, energized, something to think about with depth and meaning. 

But he also massaged our hearts letting the wisdom emanate into an inner self. He was intense and animated, but gentle. He was passionate, but quiet. He made us think, but he worked that thought through and through to let it ooze down through the cracks of our personal veneer. He allowed it to penetrate into our skin until we felt it connected to our very soul. It helped us affect our behavior and demeanor, our attitude. If we so desired, we could be different, a little bit more understanding, seeing things from a deeper perspective. This was Learning with Rabbi Dubraswky. 

Rabbi Dubrawsky walked as if he was carrying a burden. It endeared me to him, and I always felt like saying - let me help you with that. But his burden was private, and ever present because he saw things and felt things, that others couldn't, or they attuned themselves to be immune to what they saw and felt. That's the nature of life, some would say, and sometimes it requires us to be hard and to ignore what's around us. But he wasn't that kind of person. His sensitivity was self induced because he was connected to his Godly soul and it lived on the surface of his skin. He saw things and it hurt. As much as he smiled and shunned attention from himself, to the needs others, his burden was always there with him. It wasn't easy for him to pretend and hide it, even though he may have wanted to. No one said that life has to be easy. He lived it truthfully. 

Yet his eyes were kind and penetrating. He had that capacity to touch you quickly and deeply. Once touched on a soul to soul level the burden seemed to have been irrelevant. How could someone carry such a weight and be so uplifting to others?  

He was a true shaliach modeling himself after the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He had other mentors, such as Yoel Kahan. During his learning sessions he would from time to time take an aside in his discussions, relating a story, here and there. More often than not, these stories touched a nerve, insightful into the nature of being human. It brought attention to who we truly are and what we are capable of accomplishing.  After a learning session it was like taking a breath, a sigh, knowing full well we have some work to do with ourselves in this life. Learning was pleasurable, but for it to be meaningful required work, self discipline, and a commitment to go on with a clear understanding of the goal, for us to be connected to our Godly soul. Rabbi Dubrawsky was an embodiment of what that meant and what it looked like. And so we came back on a weekly basis for more training and a recommitment.

My father,  who spoke only Yiddish, used to refer to people he revered respectfully as an ehrlicher yid. I always thought ehrlich meant pious or religious. What it really means is honest. Not just truthful, but authentic with integrity, being consistent with their values living them in their lives both privately and in public. You could recognize an ehrlicher yid in their attitude and in their demeanor with others.

Over the years I would hear the same comment from so many people who knew Rabbi Dubrawsky. They would ask what is this brilliant man doing in Vancouver? He should be a Rosh Yeshiva somewhere teaching thousands.  He is a tzaddik, a talmud chochem. We have an unbelievable gem here. Do people realize and appreciate what a gift we have here in our midst?

This is another thing that I learned as a student of Rabbi Dubrawsky. His demeanor, his attitude, and his sensitivity to others, consistently expressed that their needs come first. He accepted his place, here in Vancouver. He accepted the seemingly non-glamorous position, that some others could not understand. He knew how important his work was. Rabbi Dubrawsky was an ehrlicher yid.

Rabbi Duvbawsky is gone now. It is still unfathomable as I write this, and it is hard for me to accept this reality. He was ripped from life so suddenly and so prematurely that the lump in my throat and the tear in my eye seems to to be there perpetually. Every other breath I take is a sigh, and I am working hard from being angry. I know there is a truth higher than my understanding, but I don't care. There is hole in my heart, and like the dark energy in the universe it exudes. It exudes with pain and the feeling of injustice.

How and why?! I demand. What is the meaning of this?! Teach me Rabbi Dubrawsky. Now that you have gone I need you to show me how I can bear this emptiness and vacuum left in my heart. The spaces you occupied in this world as you walked with your burden are empty. Your presence in the shul still exists but the space is empty. I can see you there nodding in conversation and stressing a point, but you are gone. That space in my heart where you reside hurts and  it is raw from that feeling of being ripped away. I feel violated.

But I will remain your student, Rabbi Dubrawsky. I know I will endure. Your family is suffering more than I am. I can only imagine. At the time of this writing they are sitting shiva in New York. I know you will do what you must and you will send them your blessings from your world and I will send them from mine. 

But as my teacher, you will stay here with me in this world and that will not be ripped away. I promise you that. As long as I live you will stay down here and exist here with me.